I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
