I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
