Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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