Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
