i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
