I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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