my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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