Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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