I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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