My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
