I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize