the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
