Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
