fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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