My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize