she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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