my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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