You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
