2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize