Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
