i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You need Xanax blowdarts
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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