Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
