Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
