Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
