He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
