you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
