Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
