well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
