i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
