I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
