he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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