and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
