I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize