i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
