just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
