I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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