i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
