I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
