I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I stole a fireplace last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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