the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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