these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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