I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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