I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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