I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
