I will die if light touches me.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
