My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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