the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize