I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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