I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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