How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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