I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
