when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
