i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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