You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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