so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
