Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
