if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
